Recommitment

A new journey, taken on the liminal cusp; at twilight, when school begins the next morning, with a timeless while balanced between summer and fall, light and dark, freedom and responsibility...

I am recommitting to my spiritual practice, and have taken a journey to meet again the guardians of the four directions, and to also ask to see the adversaries of the four directions.  I want to know what I can do to start a daily/weekly practice to keep me in touch with the spirit.

In the East the guardian is a great golden-furred beast, the master of the good beginning, the gateway for the start of the journey.  His element is Water, since all things start with water.  I can honor him each morning by catching a drop of water on my finger and throwing it to the east.

The adversary of the east resolves itself slowly into the huge figure of a giant or ogre, guarding a closed door.  His power is to deny entry, to close the door and forbid egress: that part of myself that fears change and wants to stay within its safe world and never reach out.  I consider if I am supposed to battle him, or trick him, of beguile him... none of these things would work.  Instead I thank him for his service, and acknowledge that sometimes it is right to close the door: in defense, or to prevent unwise wandering, but I tell him that I am too quick to close the door and that I need to learn to open it more, and move out from my comfort into the wide world more.  He agrees that I need this.  He will man the door for me, but it will always be my responsibility to choose when to open it.

In the South is the great feathered serpent, over the lush green jungle.  He is the master of the path, the one who sets the trials, the creator of the labyrinth that we must navigate to reach our goals.  I can honor him each morning by lighting a flame, gazing at it, and thinking of its powers and gifts. 

The adversary of the south appears as a huge winged skull that flies in darkness.  It is the ashes of lost hopes; the possible futures that once could have been but can now no longer be; the future selves that have been killed by my past choices.  It flies at me and tries to bite me.  I cannot unmake those choices, and even if I could it would destroy some other future.  Every choice and action creates its future only by destroying others.  I acknowledge this, and admit that I would not return to these choices, but I still grieve for what cannot be.  I spread my arms and accept the pain of its bite, the pain of loss that is unavoidable.  The pain remains.  It will never not be, nor will it be belittled or smothered with platitudes.

In the West is crested lizard or horny toad, the consort of the moon, sitting on a stone in the desert with the stars behind him.  He is the master of the gate of learning, the fruits of the journey; the stars are the myriad possibilities that are the consequence of my choices.  I can honor him by gazing at the stars.

The adversary of the west appears to me as Christ suffering on the cross.  He is choices held onto past their time, decisions clung to but never reexamined.  What is right and good at one point in your life can become a burden and a barrier later if you stop questioning.  Doing this can condemn us all to being crucified on the cross of our past choices.  I can honor him, and remind myself to keep an open mind and heart, by breaking a thread.

In the North is the vast hall of the king, dressed in sable and crowned with ice.  The north star is over his head.  He is the lord of bards and storytellers, and the lord of hope and of light in the darkness.  In his hall are told the stories of all those who have braved the journey and won through to the end.  I can honor him with song.  It can be a light or funny song, it is the act of singing out that opens the heart to joy.

The adversary of the north is a huge white dragon.  He represents the demands of the world, the duties and responsibilities of daily life.  He desires to rip out my heart and eat it, just as work, money, and other demands will destroy my soul, unless I can keep a balance that honors both the spiritual and emotional side of my life and the practical side.  I can honor him with herbs that feed both the body and the soul.

Connecting with Water

I took my daughter and niece to the pool at the Y last week, my first time swimming this summer. While the girls played in the shallow pool for a while, I floated in the deep outdoor pool and opened myself up to Water. I have never done Reiki or spirit work in the water before. But the water was warm, the sun was shining, and the pool was quiet...

I floated in the water, and let the Reiki flow through me, from my crown to my feet. My body relaxed, and my breathing became slower and deeper. Splashing around had gotten me out of breath, and I had been gasping a little, but Reiki always seems to quiet this and calm my body, to use oxygen better. After a time, I released my breath, and as it flowed out I sank bonelessly down the bottom of the pool. I hung there for an endless time, gazing out into the light-filled blue, and opened all my gates. I invited Water to enter me and sustain me. I felt its huge calmness, its quiet power, flow through me. I felt no movement, no tug of gravity. My lungs and belly were relaxed. I felt the energy of Water moving within me. I know that I floated there at the bottom of the pool for longer than I can usually hold my breath, even though my lungs were empty and relaxed. After a time, I knew that I needed some air, even though I felt no tension in my body or concern. I extended my legs easily, and drifted back up, to take a calm, unhurried breath as my head broke the surface.

When I went back down next time, as I floated in the depths, I though of my time floating in the belly of the chthonic beast, where Yaah-waah oversaw my death and rebirth in the waters of the earth. This water is sister to that water, all waters are kin, all waters (from a puddle or a tear to the ocean) are part of a single great body that is Water. The water that flows through my veins is part of the same great being, whose patience and power is always there for us.

What I Have Not Done

There is so much I have never done
and will never do.
Is it over then? A life wasted?  All promise spent?

I have never read Homer in the original Greek
But I have learned to read a coming storm from the tones of the sky, and to smell the secret and invisible rain.

I have not blown crystal or cut precious stones
But I have drowned in the tiny jewel colors of henbit flowers and pass-me-by blossoms.

I have never seen the sun set over Kilimanjaro
But I have watched the vespertine shadows fall over my garden, and the mornng sun gild my child's face.

I have never spoken French in Paris
But I have read the character of a horse from her eye, and listened when the spiders spoke.

I will never prove a new theorum of mathematics
But I love, and am loved, in that slow eternal reverberating crescendo that shakes the bones of the world.

Some travel always outward
Chasing wonders that fade as they approach.
My path has been a spiraling circle
A labyrinthine dance
That brings me always back to this moment
and deeper into the moment.

My greatest treasures come when I am still
The deepest wonders are always at my feet.
The leaves turn in the light to say
"It could not be richer.   Different, yes.  But not richer.
"Nothing can be richer than a life lived with the eyes open."

Great gifts, but no magic wand

I just did a reading with the Green Man Tree Oracle cards, to help me with the answer to the question: "What do I need?  How can I use it in my life?"

Upper realm (starry wisdom):
Yew
"Perseverance leads to achievement".  Strength and endurance to carry me through, strength to defend and advance.

Middle realm (daily life, the core of the problem):
Apple
"Vision lights the way ahead".  True vision, to see beyond the surface of things to know the deeper truth and true meaning.

Lower realm (ancestral wisdom):
Hazel
"Seek wisdom in the depths".  I already have the knowledge and wisdom to deal with the problem, I just have to look past my confusion.

Since I was not sure I had asked the question clearly, I asked for one card in response to "Is this the gift that Aldebaran gave me?"  and got the response:
Alder
"Defense keeps clear the territory".  Indeed a re-emphasis of all the cards above, the importance of using my gifts to protect myself and those with me.

My interpretation is that the gift of Aldebaran was strength, true vision, and deep wisdom, which I must use to help me and my family weather these storms and emerge hale. 

Darn, I was hoping for a magic wand or a money tree!  :P The problem with all this spiritual stuff is that it just points the way, it leaves you still having to do all the hard work yourself :D

Aldebaran

The day after my dream of finding the power adapter in another reality, I took a spirit journey to seek it out. 

I sought aid from my guides, the guardians of the directions, the Lord of Underearth, the Green Man, and any other good spirit willing to aid me.  I started on the beach, it was very dark but with a moon and lots of stars.  I started up the path into the woods, enjoying the blanket of darkness on the earth and the trees that made everything seem secret and magical.  The blackness was relieved by silver glimmers of moonlight on the trunks of the trees, and by the luminous glow of occasional mushrooms, flowers, and insects in vivid blues and greens.

As I walked up the path, the path seemed to rise up off the ground and lead me into the air.  It took me up over the tops of the trees, and then spiraling up into the night sky.  The path looked like a frozen river of black velvet and satin, glimmering silver in the starlight, wide and comfortable to walk on.  I could see the earth below, the woods, and my clearing glowing below me, but I turned my eyes up to the stars and followed the winding path as it took me up and away from the earth.

As I ascended, I could see that the patch branched off here and there, with roads leading to the myriads of stars and planets.  I stayed on the main branch, and it presently took me close to the star Aldebaran.  This appeared as a huge milky crystal sphere, slightly pinkish, with countless glittering facets.  It was so bright I could barely look at it directly as it loomed over me.  I took the short path up to it, and entered via a crystal archway. 

I stood in a cavernous hall, all of glowing pink crystal, facing a being on a throne raised upon many steps.  The being shown like a star so that I could not look at him/her.  I said that I had come on this journey hoping to find the tools to help me in my life, if it was right that I find them.   

Aldebaran replied that he/she could grant me this, but what would I do for it?  The service required was that I use this to help my wife and the others around me when the need support, and not keep it for myself nor use it for selfish ends.  I promised to do this, and Aldebaran placed in my hands a large white plastic power converter, the same one I had found in my earlier dream.  With many thanks, I placed this in my belt pouch, and returned to the sky road.

I walked back down the path, returning to earth in the woods and walked back to the beach, and awoke


The keys

Late last week I had an odd dream.

I was working on the house, and needed some special power adapters.  So I went up to an attic room with my daughter, went into the closet, and closed the door behind us.  Then I took out a special key from my pocket, turned it in the lock, and reopened the door.  I walked out into the same room but in a different version of reality; the house looked abandoned and heaped with trash. 

I know that this reality was dangerous or unstable, and that I could not stay long.  I went over to a large tool chest in the corner, rummaged in it for a minute, and found just the adapters I needed.  I looked around, and my daughter had wandered over to a bathroom and was looking in the tub that had brackish water standing in it; she was about to put her foot in it when I called to her and reminded her not to mess with anything here.  We went back into the closet, turned the key again, and emerged back in my real house.

I awoke thinking that this dream meant something.  What did it mean, I asked myself?  I immediately knew that it meant that I needed something to tap into the power I need, and that the tool for adapting the power for my service was on the other side; and that I had the keys to find it with me right now.  The keys lay in the shamanic work I was doing.

A surprising and eldrich journey

Soaking in the bath with a bad headache, my mind wandered for a while and then I found myself walking the beach by the ocean.


It was a cold night, dry, with a bright moon touching everything with silver. The waves were splashing and receeding, and I was aware that they were full of life, as was the sand beneath my feet and the air around me. I started walking up the path, through the sea grass into the woods.

I saw a branch of the path go off to the right; I followed it, even though it was narrow and lined with dark trees and black undergrowth. It led through the trees to a small black pool, of murky dark water, filled with roots and black mud. A tiny rivulet of water ran in at the left and another ran out on the right, down to the sea. I could tell the water and mud were filled with living things that seemed nasty to me, with too many legs and squishy bodies; they were creeping and wiggling in the mud. But I knew that they were not evil, just living things different than I who only wanted to live and raise their children.

I knew that I had been called down a dark path for some reason, so I decided the surrender to it and see where it led, trusting in my guides to not lead me astray. I laid down in the black, brackish water, on my back, and crossed my hands over my chest; I sank into the water and down into the mud.

A very large, wet tentacle came out of the mud and wrapped around my chest, and pulled me down into the dark wet earth. I was drawn down, surrounded by earth and darkness, towards what I sensed was a huge tentacled creature with a gaping mouth. This cthonic lord of the under earth did not speak, but simply swallowed me whole.

I slid down its throat and emerged in its cavernous water-filled stomach, swiming in a limitless void of dark water. I remembered the silver moon-ring that had been gifted me by the Smith, and draw it out of my mouth. In its silvery light, I saw that there were many things swimming around in the distance, looking like pale insects and deep sea fish.

A large creature approached, who looked like a giant scorpion make of bone, with a face like an old man made of bone and chiton. He smiled somewhat cruelly and said "So you have arrived." I said something about wanting to know the way out, and he said "Its too late, you are dead already." Then he touched me and I saw that my flesh was peeling away and leaving just bare bone. In moments I was just a skeleton. I felt no pain or fear, just wonder. Afraid of losing my moon-ring, I put it on my left wrist.

He looked over my bones, then produced a large quartz crystal. He said "Here is a new heart for you," and placed it in my ribcage. I looked at it, and felt it beat with soft pulse of light, then asked about the way back. He replied "The only way to be reborn is to die again."

I saw a large, blind snake-like thing coming up towards me. It found my feet and started swallowing me, until I was completely within it. As I traveled down its throat, I felt my flesh grow back over my bones, until I was alive again. Then the flesh of the snake split open, and I found myself laying on the ground under the trees, lying in a stream of cold clear water running downhill, with my head downward and the water running past it. I could feel the moon-ring still around my wrist bones, under my flesh, now invisible, and I could feel the crystal in my chest just behind my heart, pulsing with my heartbeat.

I called to the scorpion-man and asked him what his name was. I heard his voice, "You can call me Yaah-waah, bacause that is the sound people make when they die and are reborn. I am the midwife of this rite of death and rebirth, you are lying now at the birthing-place of the earth."

I thanked Yaah-waah, and the guardians of the directions, and my guides for taking me on this journey.