Retreat

Yesterday I took a day-long, private retreat on some land that a friend owns.  Except for saying Hi to a neighbor as I came in the night before, I didn't speak to a single person the entire day.  The land has a large, beautiful creek, secluded in trees, that leads back to a larger river that crosses their land; it was a day of nothing but high grasses, old trees, swift clear water, tumbled stones, sun and sky.

I started fasting the night before, and didn't eat anything all Saturday, until breakfast on Sunday.  My goal was to spend a day in contemplation, journeying, and dancing to thank the powers that have guided and aided me during this time of my life, especially Water who had promised to carry me though the turbulent rapids to a safe landing.  In spite of (or perhaps because of) the many setbacks, trials, and tests recently, my new job and location is everything I could have wanted, and will be great foundation for the future of my family.  I just heard that my previous company was just bought out and practically everyone fired, so I got out just in time!  Water told me that the process would not be easy or comfortable, but that he would carry me though if I would put my trust in him.  He was certainly right, and a big part of this retreat was to thank him and honor all my guides.

I left behind all electronic devices and locked my phone in the car, so I had the entire day and the night to follow with no clock, no contact with anyone.  It was a long, slow, but very rewarding day.  The hours seemed endless, without even meals to mark the time.  Most of the day was fine and fair, cool but with a warm sun.  I walked through the grass, waded in the cold clear creek, and spoke with the trees, birds, fish, grasshoppers, tiny frogs, wild turkey, flowers, rocks, and water.  I tried to keep myself halfway in the non-ordinary realm as much as possible, shaking my rattle and occasionally dancing.

I also brought Michael Harner's The Way of the Shaman, a classic work and well worth the reading.  He is a professional anthropologist who has studied shamanism around the world, and has himself become a shaman and worked as a student with master shaman around the world.  He gives good, practical advice for learning shamanic techniques, and also offers insights from many traditions.  He adds good scholarly and psychological perspectives, while validating shamanic reality and experiences and not trying to "explain them away" with psychology.

I sat for a long time on the gravel bar in the river, and journeyed a bit.  I never got deep into the lowerworld, but I did speak with and thank Water for his help.  I think it was too sunny for a deep trance, Harner says the most shamans work primarily at night for this reason.  So the day was more about tuning in to nature and turning off the monkey mind, communing with the beings around me.

Walking in the woods around the creek, I found a nice flat open area screened by brush.  I tried Harner's exercise "Dancing your Animal".  I shook my rattle in a steady beat, and pushed deeper into the lowerworld; then I started dancing (really just shuffling) and invited any animal that wished to come and dance through me.  I felt Spider come (she had been near me all day) and we danced as Spider.  Walking with long legs, with grace and silence; spinning a web; casting threads and pulling them to me; walking the web with confidence and care.  I do see now why traditional dancing takes place on large areas of beaten earth - when you are truly immersed in the dance it is hard to remember to watch your footing :)  This was a very rewarding and enjoyable dance, and I feel closer to Spider that ever, and I think she enjoyed it too.

Part of the time that I was dancing, the Indian I had met before in my journeys, Teacher of Boys to Men, came and danced beside me.  It was very gratifying and inspiring.

Later, after more walking and wading, I asked my guides for a power song.  This is another of Harner's suggestions.  It is a song, usually simple and repetitive, that you sing as you start a journey or other power work, to waken your guides and call them to you.  It also aids you in moving into shamanic consciousness, like the rattle or drum, by preparing your mind and becoming associated subconsciously with the transition.

I was not expecting much with this, I have never had a musical bent and have never invented even a simple tune or song.  So I was surprised when, as soon as I started dancing and beating time with my rattle, words came to me and came out of my mouth with almost no volition.  The words were evocative for me, although the song was not fully formed; I added a bit where it seemed right, and had a full verse in just a moment.  A second verse suggested itself immediately, and I sang that too.  I sang them both for a few minutes, liking them very much but feeling that they weren't powerful enough, they needed something more.  Immediately in my head appeared a third verse, that was even more powerful.  So I ended up (with almost no effort, just as Harner has said) with three verses that as I sing them step the power up 1 - 2 - 3 as they go.  I was singing them to myself in my head, still a bit shy of singing them out loud. even though nobody could hear :).  But there was no tune, it was just a chant.  So I sang them out loud, and a simple tune immediately fitted itself to the words as I sang them, which completed the song.  The tune is very simple, but perfect for humming or whistling as a repeated pattern, which is great for certain stages of power work.  So I advise anyone who tries this, sing it out loud, and proudly!  That is what it is for.

A power song is personal, but not private, so here are the words that came to me:

The Sun is my friend
The Earth is my friend
The Wind is my friend
The Water is my friend
oooo - Ah!
oooo - Ah!
(repeat 4 times)

The Sun is in my heart
The Earth is in my heart
The Wind is in my heart
The Water is in my heart
oooo - Ah!
oooo - Ah!
(repeat 4 times)

My heart is in the Sun
My heart is in the Earth
My heart is in the Wind
My heart is in the Water
oooo - Ah!
oooo - Ah!
(repeat 4 times)

Looking at this song, it reminds me strongly of various American Indian ritual songs, such as the one about the Navaho "Prayer to the Prophet" and the Osage "Rising of the Buffalo Men" http://members.cox.net/academia/songs.html.

During the day I was also gifted with several things.  A lovely feather was laid across the path directly in front of me.  Several nice acorns were left out for me.  A fragment of broken stone called out to me as a symbol of Earth.  My attention was drawn to a nice stone in the creek at one point, which I admired but left there; a few hours later it called out to me more forcefully and said it was offered by Water.  At one point I was admiring a walnut on a walnut tree, when it came off into my hand as a gift.

After receiving the feather and the stone fragment, and some of the acorns, I returned to the camp where I was leaving my things.  I started to set my gifts down so I could go walk so more, but a spider web caught my hand just as I was putting the feather down and pulled it back to my chest; Spider clearly wanted me to keep the feather with me.  So I threaded it on the medallion that Athena gave me, that I always wear when doing shamanic or Reiki work, and wore it all day. 

In the evening, I was thinking of what I wanted to do that night.  I had been considering going to retrieve a power animal for Athena to help with the stress and worry that she has been dealing with, but I was not sure if this was the right thing to do.  So I pulled out the Celtic Tree Oracle cards I had brought, and did the 5-card spread to ask how I could best help her in this time.

The answer was surprisingly clear:
Primary card -
Blackberry: Gather in what is dearest to you
Clarifying cards -
Scots Pine: Seek an overview
Apple: Vision lights the way ahead
Ivy: Strength comes from accepting support
Ash: Strength grows from deep roots

To me this was suprisingly clear: focus on "gathering her in", keeping her close in my heart.  Keep an eye on the long view, and trust our vision of the road ahead.  Give and accept support from her, to help us both, and keep strong the roots of our love.  She doesn't need a power animal to help her though this -- she needs me, and I need her, and together we have the strength and vision to succeed.  This was confirmed later when I tried to make a journey for her, just in case; I was gently but firmly "kicked out" and told that this was not what I needed to do.

As it began to get dark, I took my things to the gravel bar in the river, where I planned to spend the night meditating and journeying.  As I was leaving the camp, I started to get a bit freaked out by the dark under the trees; I could see enough to walk by I knew it would be spooky in the woods.  Just as I was thinking that, I walked into two long strong spider web strands that wrapped around my forehead on over my ears, just like a circlet.  I immediately knew that Spider had provided me protection, that it would make me safe from anything that walked the night.  I felt much better!  I sang my power song as I went through the woods, just to make sure that I was power-full and would be safe from any bad energy.

I sat on the gravel bank on a deck chair as it got dark, with just a small candle burning, and tried to journey.  But I think by this time I was too tired, I could not keep the concentration and kept coming back up.  After a while I accepted this; I had already received so much this day that I was not disappointed.

I watched the stars and the water, talked a bit with Water, and communed with nature as night fell.  It was slightly overcast, so there was enough reflected light around that I could see, especially over the white river rocks.  The clouds thickened, and I felt an occasional soft drop of rain, but not too much.  The water was ink-black and mysterious, shimmering in the dark and talking with a thousand voices.  The birds, crickets, and frogs answered, and the wind whispered over it all.  The rocks spoke as I walked, and listened to it all.

I dozed occasionally, and walked and listened.  Late in the night (maybe after midnight?) the wind picked up and it got much colder, and it started to sprinkle in earnest, and I decided on the better part of valor.  I took the candle (in a perforated ceramic holder) and walked back to the camp.  I spent the rest of the night in the camping trailer, with the heater on :)  The weather forecast had been for clear skies and mid 60s, but it ended up with light rain and mid 40s, so I was very happy to be dry and warm for the rest of the night!

Some things I learned for the future:

1. Don't plan to stay awake and working all night.  I was just too sleepy to focus well during the late night.

2. Starting the fast the night before may not have been a good idea, and maybe a light breakfast would have been good.  I was getting rather fuzzy by nightfall and did not have enough energy to really do as much as I had hoped.  The purpose is not to become weak and drowsy, but just to separate yourself from the needs and physical comforts of the day.  It would be better to have more energy going into the evening, so that the early night time can be used to its best advantage.

3. Plan better for changes in the weather!

I really loved this day of contemplation and listening.  I feel like I got a lot out of it.  I received several wonderful gifts, and I really had time to talk with and thank all my patrons and guides. 

Seven selves

Well, I let work and money problems get the better of me and I dropped many things that I shouldn't have -- my relationship, my spirituality, other important parts of my life.  I am working now to bring things back in to balance, to bring to the fore again the important things.

As part of this, I just finished a guided meditation "Into the Labyrinth" from the book Pagan Spirituality by Joyce and River Higginbotham.  In this, I walk a seven-turn labyrinth and meet myself at seven different levels of growth, based on colors of Spiral Dynamics.

At the first turn, I meet a very young boy in Beige.  He is vital and alive and enjoys the feel of earth beneath his feet and blood in his veins.  The special strengths that I gained during this time of my life are strength, health, vitality.  The pleasure of being safe, full, warm, comfortable.

He gives me a handful of soil: rich black loam.  This is my strength, my center, my ground and my home.  It allows me to be centered and grounded anywhere I find myself.

At the next turn, I meet a young boy wearing Purple.  The special strengths that I gained during this time of my life are belonging, control, being part of a family that cares and supports me.  Feeling special and loved.

He gives me an apple.  This is a lopsided, half-green apple, from the wild apple tree where my friends and I had our tree house.  This is the gift that friends give to friends: acceptance, friendship, companionship, the knowlege that I am never alone or abandoned.

At the next turn, I meet the junior-high me, early teens, dressed in Red.  He is full of a sense of rightiousness, and thinks he knows best :)  The special strengths that I gained during this time of my life are the discovery of reading: stories that I can dive into, can drown in; stories that draw your heart from your body. and return it enriched and enobled. 

He gives me a hammer.  This is the ability to build, create, and to repair.  With it I can restore weak or broken ties, strengthen structures, connect things together.  I can heal and fix things.

At the fourth turn, I meet the high-school me, dressed in Blue.  The special strengths that I gained during this time of my life are strength of purpose, confidence to fight for the right, dedication to doing the right thing. 

He gives me a ring with a large blue stone.  It is a shield, to protect me from the anger and demands of others.  This gives me the security to stand up for what is right without fear.

At the next turn, I meet a young man, who looks like my brother who died.  He is smiling a lopsided smile and has a thin beard.    The special strengths that I gained during this time of my life are creativity, independence, the ability to accept many different kinds of people with many different backgrounds and lifestyles.  An adventurous spirit to look beyond what I know.

He gives me a kitten, a small, fluffy, grey kitten with a white breast, who sits on my backpack and looks over my shoulder.  Cats are independent, inscrutable, unaccountable, but we can live together and value each other, even when we don't understand each other.  A relationship can be deep and caring, and benefit us both, even though our purposes and worldviews can be widely different.

Around the last turn, I meet an adult man in Green, smiling, but with bleeding wounds on his breast.  He feels love and kindness towards all people, but suffers with guilt about the injustices and cruelties of the past and feels helpless to heal the wounds of the world.  The special strengths that I gained during this time of my life are empathy, the ability to really put myself in another's place, to see the world and myself as they see it.  This leads to understanding and love.

He gives me a tiny seed.  This is the seed of hope.  He feels that it cannot grow in his turn of the labyrinth, but he knows it will grow where I am heading.

I step out of the labyrinth, and end my meditiation.  At another time, I will revisit this labyrinth and add another turn; I would like to see myself in the Yellow level.  I might look forward into the Turquoise turn, to see if there is any advice there for me: I feel I am in Yellow now but starting the transition to Turquoise.

The book also has urged me to revisit and look for not just the strengths of each level, but the challenges they have placed for me: in addition to abilities and insights, each level has also left me with habits, distortions,  and misperceptions that weaken or impeed my future growth.  I need to know these to be able to move past them.